American History with Twinkledru J., part four.
Thus far, I have managed to mock the Spanish, the English, the Irish, Columbus, Ferdinand and Isabella, Philip II, Cortes, Sir Walter Raleigh, Elizabeth I, James I, America (which is really no mean feat, as America as a political entity doesn't exist in the times I've covered so far), Lost, and Mel Gibson.

Today: religion.



So, backing up a little bit again, let's look at the area now known as Germany.

CATHOLIC CHURCH: *is corrupt* HEY YOU! Wanna buy redemption?
MARTIN LUTHER: *95 Theses OMG!* PREDESTINATION 4-EVA YO! ONLY GOD CAN SAVE YOU! OR NOT! IT'S UP TO HIM!
POPE: OMGWTFBBQ?????? *excommunicates*

And thus, Protestantism.

Now, the origins of Anglicanism are different.

HENRY VIII: OMG I want a divorce!
POPE: NO.
HENRY VIII: Screw you too! *creates own church, gets divorced*
ANNE BOLEYN: *points and laughs at Catherine of Aragon*
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: STFU, N00B.

Of course, Catherine of Aragon kinda had the last laugh on that one.

ANNE BOLEYN: *imprisoned, hed iz pastede off yay!*
CATHERINE OF ARAGON: *still rich, daughter has claim to throne before Anne's daughter, and most importantly, hed still pastede on yay!*

The point is, Anglicanism was basically the Catholic Church? Except the King was in charge instead of the Pope, and you could get theoretically get divorced. The basic ideologies were pretty much the same as those of Catholicism, whereas there were a lot more ideological differences between Protestantism and Catholicism.

So Protestantism and Anglicanism are two entirely separate things. Which for those of you in the UK, is likely old news, but for a lot of Americans, it's kinda fuzzy, 'cuz you learn about Henry VIII at the same time as you learn about Martin Luther, and it all kinda tends to get lumped together.

As an interesting note, the Puritans did not consider marriage a sacrament. For those of you paying attention, this means that to the Puritans, modern politics would go something like this.

RELIGIOUS RIGHT: OMG THIS IS A PURITAN COUNTRY AND MARRIAGE IS A SACRAMENT!!!!
PURITANS: *spin so fast in their graves that they could be alternative power resources*

Now Anglicanism was pretty much the norm in England, although after Elizabeth came to the throne, there was, sort of, religious toleration. Sort of. Mostly, this meant that as long as you paid lip service to Anglicanism, you could be Catholic in the privacy of your own home.

Look, it was better than people getting hanged for your religious practices.¹ It was a step in the right direction.

So Anglicanism was big in England, but in parts of Scotland, a form of Protestantism known as Presbyterianism emerged. And this form basically sought to get rid of the influences of Catholicism -- simplicity of churches and design was big, for instance, as opposed to the "decadent" Catholic styles (they wanted to "purify" religion -- hence, Puritans), and there was a bigger emphasis on your personal relationship to God, rather than your relationship to the priest, and his relationship to the bishop, and the bishop's relationship to the Pope, and the Pope's relationship to God. And again, there was generally a belief in predestination -- the idea that it was up to God who went to heaven and who didn't, and it had already been decided, and that was that, whereas the Catholics (and the Anglicans) believed that you could save yourself through good works.

Now, back to Henry VIII's crazy family.

ELIZABETH I: *dies a virgin*

[crickets chirp]

Okay, well, no, let's rephrase that.

ELIZABETH I: *dies with NO HEIR OMG!!!!!*

So her closest relative, King James VI of Scotland, became King James I of England, as well.

Math time!

ENGLAND + SCOTLAND = UNITED KINGDOM OMG!!!!

SCOTTISH PROTESTANTS: *hope James will purify Anglicanism and make it more like Protestantism*
JAMES I: *doesn't*
SCOTTISH PROTESTANTS: WTF. Not cool, man. *pout*

Eventually...

JAMES I: *dies*
CHARLES I: *gets crowned*
SCOTTISH PROTESTANTS: *have a bad feeling about this*
CHARLES I: OMG PROTESTANTS R TEH SUXX0RZ!
WILLIAM LAUD: OMG THEY SO ARE!
CHARLES I: *appoints William Laud as archbishop*
A FEW REALLY EXTREME PROTESTANTS: Goddamnit, England. *take their ball and go to Holland*

Except, see, the problem with going to Holland, they found? Was that their children were growing up TEH DUTCH OMG!!!! And there were two things the Puritans hated: people who were intolerant of other people's religions them, and the Dutch.

So, they did the only reasonable thing.

They got a charter for some land in North America. Specifically, an area that was considered so bad that they'd never be able to survive, and that it wasn't any great loss to the crown or the joint-stock companies to give them the land.

So, actually, when I said that the fundamental principles of America are religious extremism and tobacco? Let's just change that to self-righteousness, 'cuz there's a cultural element to it, as well as religious.

More math!

SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS + TOBACCO = GREATEST COUNTRY EVER OMG!!!!

NEXT TIME: "Squanto takes a musket ball in the stomach": The early days of the Massachusetts colonies.

¹Burning wasn't very common in England, because England didn't have an Inquisition. The majority of people accused of witchcraft were acquitted, and the majority of those convicted weren't killed. The few who were killed were hanged, not burned, because witchcraft wasn't heresy, it was a civic crime. But we'll look at that in more detail when we get to Salem.